Quick Life Update:
We're still assimilating into the Long Beach scene, and everything is going relatively smoothly. It's really just going so quickly, too. I've spent a lot of time at the beach recently, and that has made life really enjoyable. I often sit in my Econ class and look out the window over a beautiful view and think, Jeez this place is beautiful. I also used to say that to myself in Palm Springs, but theres something so exciting about being in a fresh type of beauty. Anyway, I don't have many friends but I have a whole new family, and am not even close to being lonely. My emotions have been paradoxical lately, and I found a good way to describe them while reading Virginia Woolfs' Orlando. In it, the main character enjoys the euphoric feeling of love, only to turn around and be amidst the throws of sorrow. When I recount my time in Long Beach, I only have positive things to say. So why do I spend a lot of time crying (like a lot)? Personally I think it's a mixture of teen hormones and childhood problems and the political status of America. I also may be in denial of how my life is affecting me emotionally, but as I try to analyze it further, I really cannot find anything that should be emotionally crippling. So maybe I'm just victim to menstrual domination or maybe I need more friends. Whatever, life is good.
But, speaking of friends, Kylie is coming down for Thanksgiving! I've never been into thanksgiving but this year it's the holiday I'm looking most forward to. My new LB family plans to have a "black sheep thanksgiving" and I am prepared to eat ALL the mashed sweet potatoes! I also will be finishing up my UC supplications, and the thought of those being done is nice.
Some Personal Thoughts:
So, what happens when I (or anyone) passes the line of acceptable beauty? I gain weight, I shave my head, I get a trillion piercings, and now I'm no longer in that narrow slice of common beauty. If then, I still have confidence in myself, that's pretty admirable because only then is it really a personal decision, and one informer by being your true self. If I'm no longer confident, am I just normal? I didn't use to think that being self conscious was so common but now that I live in a more "housewives" area I'm seeing through some facades.
For now though, I'm here. Questioning my own image of myself. Why do I like myself? Is it because I actually like myself or is it because I am what a lot of people aspire to be: Skinny, white, young, and healthy? And why did I believe that I was deserving of those qualities? If I really try to deconstruct my own self image, I am confused. What is my own thought and what has been etched into my brain by society. I did not have any self image issues growing up, but what if I lived in a society where the black and white societal roles were reversed? I will assume that I would have had a different experience. I think thats pretty sad, and it tells to me the reality of the race issue in America.
(one other low-key theory I have about my self esteem is that I have a very encouraging mother. she never stopped telling me (a.) that I was incredible and awesome and (b.) that all the women we see in magazines and on TV are paid to be beautiful, or that is not really what they look like. I was aware of the industry that thrived off of women insecurities so that helped me debunk a lot of my self image issues. nevertheless, I think being white and skinny has a lot to do with it... and that sucks)
This question has been in my head for a few days. 20 minutes ago when I started writing this post, I did not anticipate that I'd write about it. But it's actually nice to write down my thoughts because it helps me further process them. It's nice to be forced to articulate your ideas because then you have a definitive sentence for what you're feeling. I hope you can appreciate what I'm trying to say here. I think it can be misconstrued as me being egotistical or pedantic, but honestly it's just me writing out some ideas. Take it or leave it.